Hairdo from Hell
by soybean
Summary: [2-part] What happens when Ayame thinks Kyo needs a major make-over? Kyo's in for an "enlightening" experience. At least, his hair is.
1. 1: breakfast with the pantsless snake

**A/N**: My third humor-centric story, this time for Fruits Basket. If you were wondering, there are no pairings, and no bashing (I love all the characters of Furuba). Kyo is just going to go through an "enlightening" experience.

THIS IS A TWO PART STORY.

This fic is dedicated to **M0rbidity** who brought up the point that Kyo should have nicer, less plain hair. And also who nagged at me to write a fanfiction for something other than Shaman King.

PG-13 for Kyo's mouth, and general Shigure and Ayame behavior. Yuki and Tohru are innocent.

**Disclaimer**: Fruits Basket belongs to Natsuki Takaya. So in other, words I don't own.

**HAIRDO FROM HELL: PART ONE**

Kyo Sohma never got along with Yuki. Cat vs. Mouse, anger management vs. cool sophistication.

It could be said they hated each other, but there was one person that Kyo could have possibly hated even more. Or rather, couldn't tolerate the presence of.

Yuki's brother, Ayame Sohma.

The man was too energetic, _far_ too confident, obsessed with becoming buddy-buddy with Yuki, and couldn't be serious for beans. (A/N: And that is why we all love Aya. Bow down, ladies and gentlemen.)

But today, the orange-top, as Uo so _fondly_ refers to him, would be given another reason to hate the snake of the zodiac.

Saturday morning, no school: salvation!

Too bad Ayame decided today would be a _wonderful_ day to pay a visit to Shigure's house.

"Oh isn't this nice? It's been a while since all of us sat down for breakfast!" he chirped brightly.

"Who invited Mr. Happy Pants?" Kyo muttered under his breath.

"But lucky Kyo, I wear no pants!"

It was true. He wore a robe.

Shigure winked at Ayame, "And you wear no underpants either."

"You would know, wouldn't you, 'Gure?"

"No one needs to know what you're wearing. Or rather... what you're _not_."

Yuki finally spoke up, after half an hour of chanting, "Just ignore them," to himself.

Tohru was just blending in with the rug, smiling sweetly at everyone in the room.

A comfortable silence fell upon the room as everyone chowed down on their meal. Well, as silent as it could be with Ayame in the room.

"This food is scrumptious!"

'Ignore him.'

"The miso just sent my taste buds to heaven!"

'Ignore him.'

"Tohru, will you marry me?"

"IGNORE HIM," Yuki shouted out loud, unable to hold it in any longer.

Tohru just laughed. Ayame's short attention span never ceased to amaze her.

"Will you just shut up!? Why are you here anyway?" Kyo was losing a one-sided battle with his temper.

"Patience is a virtue, Kyo! I'm still eating, you know."

"I know that, you long-haired nitwit. Hurry up and shove that miso down your throat."

"Hmph, don't go making fun of my hair when yours looks like it just came out of a horror movie called '**PS: Your Cat is Dead**'."

"Are you implying something, snakeboy?"

Ayame's eyes lit up.

"As a matter of fact, yes!"

"What!?"

Kyo panicked, not sure what was going through the looney bin Ayame called a brain.

"It's your lucky day, lucky Kyo. I just dropped by to have breakfast with you all, but I was really on my way to the beauty salon to get my hair done."

An awkward silence once again descended upon the room. Even Shigure, the pervert of the century, was speechless. The silver-haired man continued. 

"I simply will not tolerate my little brother living in the same house as someone with such dreary hair. The color is brilliant! But the style, oh Kyo you could do so much better. Come!"

Ayame abruptly slammed his chopsticks onto the table and sprung up, dragging Kyo out with him.

"To the salon we go, beauty, make-up, hohoho!"

"What kind of song is that!? Hey let me go! I'm still hungry," Kyo protested violently biting at Ayame's arm which seemed to have attached itself to his own.

Ayame flinched. "If that leaves a mark you're paying for the fabric. And the bandaid!"

Faint yelling from the orange-haired boy could be heard even as the door slammed shut, signaling that they were outside and on their way.

"Ehe, huh?" Tohru asked.

"I think Kyo has just been kidnapped," Shigure answered.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," Yuki stated, seemingly in a better mood of a sudden.

Tohru couldn't help her thoughts from drifting. A cat and a snake in a hair salon. The eager girl she was, Tohru couldn't wait for them to arrive back home.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - x x x - - - -

"Come now, Kyo, must you look so down? Your face is matching your dreadful hair!"

"Shut it. Who wants to be in a girly salon anyway? With you, no less."

"You complain now, but you'll be thanking me later."

"Egotistical bastard."

The two had made their way to the local beauty salon, Gala's Grand Stylus (the name itself scared Kyo). It had been a difficult trip, stumbling over snakes and cats that had somehow been magnetically drawn to the two. Well, Ayame pranced right over them with Kyo in tow.

Sitting here in the waiting room wasn't a much better experience. Soon. Soon, this would be over with. In the meantime, Ayame continued chatting on.

Kyo lost track of what he was saying. He heard something along the lines of, "Blah blah me me blah me me blah."

"Hey lady! Can we get some service here!?"

"Temper, temper, Kyo. Beauty takes time. Like a single flower blossoming in manure, it requires nurturing, attention, and most of all, the miracle of life! Besides, it's only been three minutes."

"We have an opening for the next customer?" a feminine voice announced.

'Finally,' Kyo bolted towards the chair the attendant was gesturing to, completely forgetting he was running into a make-over. He would come to regret that hasty action.

Ayame knew this, grinning as he skipped happily after his companion.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**A/N**: I don't own PS: Your Cat is Dead, either. It's a book, with the most interesting title I have ever seen. Now go make babies. I mean, please R&R.

The second part will be up soon. Thanks!


	2. 2: needed hair growth formula asap

**A/N**: _Thanks to bOw-doWn-tO-KeiKO, Bass Star Cardians Webmis, Duct Tape Kitten, **M0rbidity** (beta-reader! Thanksx2), Kenshie's Tenshi, teruterumomiji, _and_ Sweetest-Angel_ for reviewing. This chapter is for you guys.

THIS IS A TWO PART STORY.

This is the second part, thus with the posting of this chapter this story is _FINISHED_. Yaaaaay.

**Disclaimer**: Fruits Basket belongs to Natsuki Takaya. In other words I don't own.

**HAIRDO FROM HELL: PART TWO**

"Right. Repeat that _slowly_ and in words the common human would know!"

The woman working at the salon had just explained what she was about to do to Kyo.

"Your complexion-"

"What's a complexion?" 

"Silly Kyo, it's your face."

"WHY ARE _YOU_ HERE?"

Ayame laughed, "I just had to snip a few split ends. I'm done now, so I decided to join you."

"You know you _could _leave."

"What fun would that be?"

"May I continue?" the worker inquired.

"Yes yes, I'm quite finished," Ayame said as he poked at a can of hairspray.

'You're never finished,' Kyo thought morbidly.

"Alright, well as I was saying, your complexion is near perfect, so we won't need to touch that."

Kyo gulped, thinking there had to be a 'but'...

"And my hair?"

"Could use some work. We'll just call our hairdresser in to experiment a few styles, to see which ones look best!"

Kyo trembled in his seat. _Experiment_. What was he, a lab rat – er, cat?

"Mine!" Ayame bellowed at the top of his lungs, as a woman walked in.

Kyo's eardrums shattered for the thousandth time that day, before he asked, "What's yours?"

"No silly, Mine Kurame. She's the assistant at my shop."

"Yep, one in the same! I'm also your hairdresser! So, you're another Sohma? Nice to meet you."

"Oh, hi," Kyo croaked. Secretly, he was worried. His assistant... was she as twisted as Ayame was?

The cat would soon find the answer was indeed, yes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - x x x - - - -

"So what are you going to do exactly?"

"Everything and anything!" The two chorused.

"I was afraid of that."

"Now close your eyes," Mine said, wearing a Cheshire smile that spoke of a conspiratorial plot to mutilate his hair.

Kyo shut his eyes. In truth, he never wanted to open them again. Living blind can't be so bad, right?

He heard the squeeze of a gel bottle, and warm fingers applying the cool substance into his hair. It was rather relaxing, until the yanking.

"Hey! Hey! What are you doing up there? Trying to make me baldilocks?"

"Oops, sorry. Wait just one more tiny, tiny little yank."

"YEOWWWWCH!"

He nearly jumped out of his seat. Using all his willpower, he squeezed his eyes shut so they wouldn't pop open.

This had better be worth it.

Ayame seemed to be enjoying the show, for he was unusually quiet.

"Okay, all done. You can look now!"

Kyo didn't need to be told twice. His eyelids flew up, allowing his eyes to gaze at the mirror in front of him, and his reflection.

He was... more or less shocked.

"It's our 'punk look'," she clarified.

"I look like a goddamn pineapple!"

"I like pineapples!" Ayame exclaimed.

Mine glowed, "Yay, a compliment!"

"I bet I could bust through a wall with this pineapple thing! Change it, change it!"

"Hmph, you don't have to be so disagreeable, Kyo."

"Keep your trap shut, snake boy. I'd like to see you pull off this porcupine look."

"_Punk_ look," the hairdresser/assistant corrected, "But the customer always comes first. Now close your eyes again."

Nothing killed her optimism, it seemed. That was at least one thing she shared in common with Ayame.

Reluctantly, Kyo closed his eyes as he was instructed to do.

The gel-coated fingers returned, with less pulling this time. They gently caressed his orange locks. A blow dryer was then put into the equation.

Twenty or so minutes later, hands clapped together.

"Voila!" came the outcry.

Kyo took it as a sign that he could open his eyes, and he did so.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT POOF ON MY HEAD?"

The customer was very dissatisfied. And for good reason. His hair looked like that Marge girl's, from the Simpsons. An afro. A really tall, thin tower of floof.

"It's the 'Beehive' look! Very popular in the 1950's!"

"Oh look! It even comes with its very own bee hair clip!"

Ayame looked like he was ready to wet himself out of excitement.

"Yeah, well it's fifty years LATER and I don't want hair that'll reach the ceiling."

Both pouted and pondered. That was their second failure. They had to redeem themselves! Somehow... somehow...

A brilliant idea must've sprouted in both their minds, for they whispered to one another, nodding fervently.

Kyo didn't like where this was going.

"One last time, Kyo. I promise!"

Yeah, right. Last time. Oh boy he hoped so.

Sighing, the now beehive-haired man complied.

He grew a little nervous when he heard the snip of scissors, and even more yanking than the first time.

'Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...'

"There, done!"

'Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...'

"You can open your eyes now!"

'Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...'

Suddenly, he was distracted from his mantra by hands prying at his eye.

"Kyo, you have more muscles in your eyelids than in your biceps! Lookie!" Ayame's voice trilled, positively jovially.

He was shocked by the first style, and bewildered by the second. And for the third, his reaction could be described by only one world: HORRIFIED.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR? I THOUGHT I _HAD_ HAIR."

It was a Mohawk. A bloody Mohawk.

Both laughed and ushered him out of the salon before his tantrum destroyed everything within a half-mile radius.

"Well, that's it for today! More customers waiting you know, hehe. We'll just send you the bill later. Ciao!"

Kyo nearly fainted.

Oh well, it would grow back, right? Right. Well, until then, he would superglue a hat on top of his head.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - x x x - - - -

The slam of a door drew everyone's attention to the hallway. They all peeked to see who it was, though they all knew.

Shigure stared.

Yuki struggled to hold in a laugh.

"... nrg."

Tohru didn't notice–

"Oh Kyo! You're... "

–at first.

"... back."

"What happened to your hair? It looks like you picked a fight with a lawnmower and lost."

"Shut up you damn rat. It's all your fault! Do you have to be related to that snake?"

"I ask myself that every day."

Shigure burst out laughing and said to no one in particular, "Oh my, Kyo. Aya, to what do we owe this image of comedic mastery? Those hairdressers sure have a way with scissors, do they not?"

Tohru tried to calm the violence, before someone wound up in the hospital.

In her effort to keep Kyo from decapitating Shigure, she accidently bumped into him.

With a Poof!, Kyo had transformed.

Shigure's laughter intensified, and Yuki was no longer able to hold his in.

In typical Tohru-fashion, the onigiri girl fainted.

Kyo was mortified as his paw touched the top of his head.

He had changed into his cat form, but his hair remained the same: the fur on his head was still styled into a Mohawk.

The cat prayed somewhere in the world there existed a rapid-hair-growth formula.

END 

**A/N**: Hugs to the neko tightly in petty attempt to make up for putting him through such a bad hair day in this fic. Even though he probably hates hugs from women.

Once again, thanks to M0rbidity for being my beta-reader.

If you'd like to see how Kyo's hair styles look, I made [pathetic] doodles! They can be found at: **griever .org /artsy** (without the spaces) 

Thanks, and please R&R.


End file.
